For the Best
by xenolith
Summary: Filled with self-loathing, Sawyer decides to leave so that everyone else can be happy, but before he goes, he leaves Kate a note.


"For the Best"  
By: xenolith  
Rating: PG  
Genre: Angst  
Spoilers: Up to "Confidence Man", takes place after that episode.  
Pairing: Mild Sawyer/Kate  
Description: Sawyer decides to leave so that everyone else can be happy.  
Disclaimer: I do not own Lost, it's characters, or anything else marvelous about it… blah.  
A/N: Just like Charlie/Claire, I love Sawyer/Kate! And this is a request fic anyway.

* * *

It was the middle of the night and everyone was sleeping. Some of the crash survivors were dwelling in the caves, safe from the elements. They were hoping to make some sort of settlement. And some of the people were nestled on the sandy beach. They were optimist, hoping for rescue. 

Sawyer was not one of those people.

He stared coldly at the shore from the doctor's old med-tent, sitting in a busted airline seat. He glanced at some of the dark shapes on the white beach and figured he was the only one awake… since he couldn't sleep anymore. Every time he closed his eyes he was assaulted with memories of his past, of what he had done to so many people.

In his eyes, the others were ignorant to see an imaginary beast rustling some trees miles away as a threat, and not the random people that were stranded with them. They didn't see their nameless companions as a potential danger. Anyone could be an awful being. They would know if they knew who he was. How much of a monster _he_ was.

Sawyer brushed a shaky hand through his hair and then reached for his pocket. He opened up the worn-out cigarette box and noticed that there was only one stick left. He took a deep breath andcast the thing aside, throwing it to the sand. It would only unwind his nerves… He figured he deserved to endure the sting of withdrawal.

He briefly thought about his conversation with Kate about the letter. She thought he was despicable. Sawyer winced at the fact.

_"I probably shouldn't have asked her to kiss me… it might've felt like kissing the devil… but it was good while it lasted,"_ He thought grimly.

Sawyer wondered if it was the inhaler affair that caused this sudden depression that dominated his thoughts. His past had been haunting him for a long time and he had always managed to dodge it, but this time he could not ignore the burning guilt that was itching at his mind. It felt like his soul was being ripped in to two parts. One was the child who had to see his parents die. The other side was the vile man that had corrupted him.

Sawyer rubbed his weary eyes and tensed when pain flared down his arm from the stab wound he had received earlier that day. He stared at the white bandage wrapped around his bicep and narrowed his eyes. _"I told the hero that I didn't want his help… Why did he do it? Oh yeah… cause he is the hero. Well, for a doctor, he's not too bright. He should've left me alone."_

Sawyer then marveled at the thought: what would it be like had the doctor let him bleed to death? To die. He enjoyed the notion. _"It's probably a painless nothing… Damn, that's what I need. A cure for all the pains and woes in the universe. Why couldn't the doctor give me that treatment?"_

His thoughts returned to himself again. Sawyer. The name made him glower and steam with rage. He was the enemy who he vowed to kill. How'd did it happen that way?

_"I corrupted myself. It was my selfish need for money that dragged me to this fate,"_ He thought, remembering the events that transformed him into the person he was now. Now he was sickened by himself… He needed someone to hate him, better yet, for everyone to hate him. It was a twisted form of justice for what he had become and done.

Sawyer grabbed a nearby pen he had been using to solve a crossword puzzle. He then grabbed the book _Watership Down _that was lying right next to him and opened it up to the first page in the book and started to write, quickly writing down his thoughts. Once he was done publishing his sentiments on the pages, he got up from his seat and walked down the beach with the book in his hand.

He slowly crept towards Kate, who was lying curled in her blanket on the sand. Sawyer smiled faintly at her and placed the paperback right next to her. Then, he slowly retreated back up the beach. He slipped the self-written letter out of his pocket. The one that was always at the center of his mind. He read over it, grief written over his face as painful memories resurfaced. He shakily pulled out his lighter from his other pocket, flicked it open, and set the letter on fire. He couldn't do it before, it would've been too soon, but seeing as how he wasn't going to need it, what the hell. He dropped the flaming letter onto the sand and walked off towards the trees. His only regrets were that he never avenged his parents' deaths... and that he'd never see Kate again.

* * *

Day broke over the ocean and stirred the camped out survivors awake. Kate's eyes flashed open to meet a cloudy violet sky. The suns rays were dim and it cast a muggy, dreary atmosphere over the island. She pushed her woolen blanket off of her body and rose up. She glanced around the beach and noticed some others were already up and about, folding up their blankets, preparing for the rough day ahead. Some were already preparing for inevitable rain. She also saw some people still comfortably snoozing. She noticed a small wisp of smoke trailing up from a pile of wood ash. The fire had burned out during the night. Her hazy mind vaguely wondered who was supposed to keep it lit. Her back ached… She cursed the sand. It wasn't a very comfortable thing to sleep on. She sucked in a breath and coughed. It was cold this morning. 

Kate started to get up to pick up her blanket, but something caught her eye. Right next to her blanket was the book _Watership Down…_ the story Sawyer had been reading all week. Kate furrowed her brow curiously and picked it up. Her first thought was what Sawyer was up to. She glanced around the beach, looking for him. She didn't see him anywhere around, brooding, smirking, or smoking. She scowled as she looked over the cover of the book. She opened it up to the first page and noticed a few small hand-written sentences etched onto the page in black pen. She started to read the message slowly, a serious mask over her face.

_"Hey Freckles. I hope you enjoy the book. I finished it last night and, despite being about a buncha bunnies, it was pretty good. I highly recommend it. I guess that's why I'm giving it to you. The story seems to be some sort of metaphor. But I'm not a literary analyst…" _There was a little arrow after the message and she turned the page. There was more writing. _"I'm sorry Freckles, tell everyone else I'm sorry too. I realize I made the first few days here a little bit worse than they already were. It would make everyone happier if I were gone." _Kate flipped the page again, _"So, I have decided that it'd be for the best if I left, since everyone hates me (but then again, that's what I felt was necessary) and nobody would miss me." _It was continued on the next page… She kept reading. _"I wanted to tell you because you're the only one who knows the truth about me and what I have done, and you're the only one I trust." _She flipped the page again. _"Well, I guess all I'm saying is… Good-Bye Kate. I hope rescue comes for you soon. Oh, and tell Boone I'm not guilty about marking up his book." _

Kate paused. That's where the message ended. She closed the book slowly and then set it down on the sand. _"He trusts me?" _Kate thought with a frown and swiftly turned her eyes to the jungle. He left? Where? To the woods? It had to be a joke.

Kate surged to her feet and grabbed her blanket roughly and hauled it off the ground, lobbing sand everywhere. She then snatched the book and marched towards the tent where Sawyer had been staying. There was no way he would just leave all his stuff. When she got there she noticed that his suitcases were still there. Kate frowned and tossed the blanket and book into the airplane seat. She then hurriedly opened the suitcases to see if anything was in them. She flipped open the lid to see everything there. Nothing seemed out of place as far as she could tell. Kate blinked away her shock and closed the lid again, shutting the objects away from sight. She brushed her hand through her tangled brown hair.

_"Where the hell did he go? It_ must _be some sort of trick."_ She thought tensely. She took a deep breath and wondered why she was getting worried about him. _"He's an asshole… I should be glad he's gone."_ And yet she looked around the island, not accepting the fact that he would just walk away. He had to be somewhere.

Kate walked out from under the tent and looked out at the shore. The ocean looked eerily calm. It almost looked like glass. Kate furrowed her brow and figured that it wasn't a good sign. It was the omen of an approaching storm. She started to walk towards a nearby survivor to ask if she had seen Sawyer, but she stepped on something that crinkled under her foot. Kate froze and glanced at whatever was under her shoe. She noticed it was a piece of paper that was blackened. She reached down and picked it up and flipped it over to see if there was any writing on it. She paled when she saw the lines "Dear Mr. Sawyer" in childish handwriting. Kate didn't understand.

"_What's this doing here…?_" Her hand suddenly felt unsteady holding the charred paper. There was only one reason he would leave this here.

He was really gone.

Kate stared towards the dense trees. He was most likely out there lost... and she couldn't do anything to help him. She folded the burnt letter and slipped it into her pocket, thinking that she would give it back to him when he came back. Then she cast one last longing look at the jungle before turning and walking back to pick up her blanket, trying to ignore how quiet it seemed without the resident smoking smartass.

She had no idea how he thought that this would be for the best… because she missed him.

* * *

A/N: Well, as you can see, I hope this never happens on the show. It could never be the same with Sawyer, but I was asked to write about this... So, I hope you liked it… or not. oO I wrote this on the side when writing "Indefinite Dangers" and "Fantasy Island", so it shouldn't slow down production of the next chapters.  
Obligatory Author Statement: "Please Review!" 


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